S E L F - H E L P M A G A Z I N E Newsletter (TM)
Vol. 8 No. 24
December 31, 2002
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T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S
1. Feature Article #1: *Spinning Back in Time: The Hazards of Home
for the
Holidays* by Joanna Poppink, MFCC
2. SHM Discussion Boards - Your Anonymous Source of Free Peer Support
3. SHM Psychtoons - Cartoons for your Mental Health
4. SHM Bookstore Updates
5. SHM Q & A #1: *Alternative Support Groups* by Tom Horvath, Ph.D.
6. SHM Q & A #2: *I feel so alone* answered by Daryl Hotlz Isenberg,
Ph.D.
7. SHM Job Openings
8. Access to our Web Site
9. Subscribing, Unsubscribing & FAQ
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F E A T U R E A R T I C L E: #1
Spinning Back in Time: The Hazards of Home for the Holidays
by Joanna Poppink, MFCC
Announcement!!! Ladies and gentlemen, in this year of 1996,
time travel is possible. During the holidays you may return to when
you were
a child or any other time in your past.
If everyone around you agrees to travel at the same speed to the
same time, this can be fun. If you are traveling to different time
zones,
all hell can break loose. Also, you can get stuck in time. "Age
appropriate
behavior" goes out the window when no one, including you, knows
how old
anyone is at the moment.
How do we all do this? I don't know. But when mature and responsible
Stefan is sad because creamed onions, traditionally served with the
Christmas goose since he was five, are absent from the dinner table
we get a
look at time travel. When he fights his disappointment with sarcasm,
he is
not a 41-year-old man in 1996. He is time traveling back to when he
was five
years old in 1960.
And when the normally gracious 38-year-old Tina says to him, "You
never like anything anyway. You always have to have it your
way," lo and
behold, we see her in 1971, 12 years old, squabbling with her older
brother
again.
These spontaneous time trips can happen at any time. But they are
more prevalent during the holidays. They are often triggered by a
moment of
tradition or ritual.
The holidays are a time to be especially tender and patient with one
another and with ourselves. We are all, in various ways, traveling
through
time. No one can be sure what year we are in at any given moment. Time
travel happens whether you plan it or not.
Witness Jennifer. On Christmas Eve when Jennifer was eight, her
mother brought her warm milk in a special Christmas snowy mug.
Jennifer
drank from it sitting up in bed. Then mother tucked her in, stroked
her
hair and kissed her good night.
Today Jennifer is 27 years old. She goes home for Christmas. On
Christmas Eve her mother comes into her room with that mug of warm
milk.
Possibilities:
Jennifer loves it and feels content. For a few moments she is a
happy
eight year old again.
Jennifer likes it, despite herself. She goes through the ritual
but=
may
feel uncomfortable and ambivalent.. She's 13, trying to be adult and
fighting the pulls of little girlhood.
Jennifer becomes irritated. She explained the at dinner the
night
before that she doesn't think cow's milk is healthy for adults. She
says,
"Thanks Mom, but I'm off dairy these days." She remains 27.
But what year is her mother in? She's traveling through time to when
she was a young woman, sharing a calm moment with her little girl.
Mother's
feelings of strength and tenderness were sweet. She can re-live them
if
Jennifer is responsive and cooperative. If mother cannot accept her
child as
a separated adult, mother may have to cope with some feelings of
rejection.
And what if mother doesn't bring Jennifer that Christmas milk? What if
mother remains in 1996 while Jennifer has traveled back in time?
Jennifer
may be tense without knowing why. She may dream she is abandoned in
the snow
and wake up a little sad on Christmas morning.
Within each of us resides the feelings, memories and thoughts of
every moment we have ever lived. Traditions and rituals of the
holidays are
strong magnets. They pull on our stored past experiences. Sometimes
those
experiences come out as momentary feeling or recollections. Sometimes
they
emerge with such intensity our perceptions become those from years
ago.
Those past perceptions can be so strong that it is difficult to
travel back
to the present.
Look at Kelly, 31, sitting alone in her apartment on Christmas Eve.
She's eating chocolate ice cream from the half gallon carton. With
glazed
eyes she watched Bing Crosby sing White Christmas on TV. She has gone
back
to her past when she was seven. That was when her father disappeared
and her
mother had to work nights over the holidays. At that time, Kelly was
alone
in their apartment, watching TV, eating crackers and jumping with
fear at
any strange sound. Kelly thinks she is alone and abandoned in 1996,
when she
actually is reliving her past as a neglected child.
Here's a time travel trip with a reverse twist. When Emily was six,
seven and eight years old, she found a new robe and slippers at the
foot of
her bed Christmas mornings. She loved these special presents from
Santa and
would wear them while she opened presents under the tree.
Now Emily has a six year old. She leaves a new robe and slippers at
Erik's
bed on Christmas morning. Emily is back in time, being the grownup
mother
she imagined she could be when she was six.
If her son Erik enjoys the robe, she is content. But if Erik jumps
out of bed and wants to stay in pj's all morning, she will feel
sadness,
maybe even rage and betrayal. While Erik is in 1996, Emily is back in
time
feeling like a disappointed six year old. If Emily can remember she is
time-traveling, she can pull herself back to 1996 and rejoin her
family.
Time travel is tricky. Uncle Ben gave his nephews Joshua and his
brother,
David, great Christmas presents every year. The presents were always
identical: two
footballs, two baseball bats, two drums. When they were teenagers,
Uncle Ben
took them aside and quietly gave them both a package of condoms.
Uncle Ben died. David married and moved to Idaho. Joshua is single in
Los
Angeles. Joshua likes his life, but Christmas feels lonely, even when
he has
a girlfriend and good friends. Joshua gets a package from David with
a note:
"Hey, I found these great wild socks. Ben would have loved them.
I got us both a pair." Joshua is ready to cry and laugh at the
same time.
What year is it? Any one of many he and his brother shared with Ben,
plus
now simultaneously.
Maybe the holiday blues are really a lack of synchronicity because
so many of us are careening through time. Perhaps we need to allow
ourselves
and others to go where we must and come back again. Then we might be
able to
let go of holiday expectations seen through the eyes of another era.
If we
are tender and accepting of holiday time travel, we might be more
free and
able to enjoy love that is here and now.
Joanna Poppink, MFCC, is a psychotherapist in private practice, West
Los Angeles, CA, U.S.A. She can be reached at Joanna@deltanet.com
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Q & A of the Month #1: *Alternative Support Groups*
by Dr. Reid Hester and Dr. Arthur T. Horvath
Dear Dr.,
I have heard that in recent years alternatives to AA (Alcoholics
Anonymous)
have emerged, with approaches that are quite different from AA's.
Can you
tell me the names of these groups, how they are different, and where
to
contact them?
--Looking for alternatives
Dear Looking for Alternatives:
In the last two decades six alternative support groups for addictive
behavior have emerged. These groups are: Women for Sobriety (WFS),
Rational Recovery Systems (RR), Moderation
Management (MM), Men for Sobriety (MFS) (same as Women for Sobriety),
Secular Organizations for Sobriety/Save Our Selves (SOS), and
S.M.A.R.T.
Recovery (SMART).
These six organizations are similar to AA in that they offer free
groups (donations are requested) with the goal of helping members
achieve
abstinence (MM supports moderation). They are also quite different
from AA.
They neither encourage nor discourage belief in a higher power. None
(except WFS/MFS) emphasizes the idea that substance problems are
diseases.
They focus instead on these problems as complex maladaptive
behaviors. They
use a small group discussion format, not a series of monologues.
They do
not use sponsors (a personal recovery coach you meet with between
meetings).
They do not encourage lifetime attendance.
Despite their similarities, there are also significant differences
between these six groups. To mention just two: WFS is only for
women with
alcohol, or alcohol and other drug problems; SMART focuses on any
addictive
behavior. We've put the telephone numbers, addresses, and online
addresses
below, in the SH&P Newsletter Online Resources. Check 'em out! If
you've
had concerns about your drinking or other drug use, there's something
here
for you.
Arthur T. Horvath, Ph.D., ABPP (Dr. Horvath is on the Board of
Directors of
SMART Recovery and lent his knowledge in responding to this question.)
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Q & A of the Month #2: * I feel so alone* answered by Daryl Hotlz
Isenberg,
Ph.D.
Dear Doctor:
I graduated from high school 2 years ago, and ever since I have felt
all
alone. I seldomly see my friends, and I work in a office where I only
see 4
or 5 people a day. I to keep myself busy, to avoid loneliness but
sometimes
it doesn't work. How can I get rid of this feeling and enjoy my life?
Thanks
Dear All Alone:
You don't say that you have a problem making friends, just that your
friends are not available and you don't meet too many people through
work.
But, two years is a long time to feel so burdened and lonely and this
can
indicate depression. You might want to see a psychologist or social
worker
for a thorough evaluation. The ideas I list below will seem too hard
to
sustain if you are really depressed. However, they are particularly
effective in addition to professional help. And people do quite well
when
they get to the right group.
It does seem harder once outside of school to create the same level
of social contact that we once had. What was the level and intensity
of your
high school socializing? That might give you a clue if you need to
redesign
your career and life to bring you a quantity of people contact,
quality (one
good friend) or both on an every day basis or once a week. Here are a
few
suggestions, but do pick one or two things, the first one that feels
exciting. Don't let indecision derail you! You can always choose
again:
1. I returned to school and redirected my career when I had
a=
crisis
and felt alienated. I have a tendency to isolate so I must work at
it. Here
are some other things people in self-help groups I know add to their
lives:
Join a class to pursue new interests. These are good ways to remedy
loneliness. Look in the community newspapers, phone book, or ask
friends how
to locate special interest clubs (photography, film, scuba diving??),
organizations (Singles groups, Greenpeace), or any religious or
secular
study group (bible study). In any case, join a fitness center, great
meeting
places. Exercise produces endorphins, hormones that make you feel
good. And
read about and pay attention to your nutrition needs. Toastmasters is
a
fabulous self-help organization that helps people learn to speak in
public-what a brave way to learn that skill and improve your
confidence!
2. If you need help to put yourself out there to meet new
friends,
then, why not join a self-help group? They are "communities of
needs" and
each person lets you know how that need affects him or her. It's easy
to
practice making friends when you all share some of your similar
experiences.
Remember, the good group provides solutions, not merely gripe
sessions! And
you can leave the group when you are ready to try it on your own. For
instance Recovery, Inc. helps people cope with depression and other
emotional distress. Their national office phone number is
312/337-5661. Or
check them out on the Web. Online, you could join the DEPRESS mailing
list
which consists of very wise and compassionate people: to subscribe
send the
message"subscribe depress" to. Search newsgroups as well.
You already know
about this ezine, so keep visiting various departments.
3. The premise in volunteering and self-help groups is that
in
giving, you receive. For instance, you can volunteer at a childrens'
hospital, become a math or English tutor to students, or help in a
senior
program. Just call one you like or a local volunteer center.
In summary: Your plan include a professional evaluation, an
exercise/nutrition/wellness program, and opportunities to learn
something
new and give something back. If you do all that you will again have
the
structure. Lots of good luck! We would really like to hear how you're
doing.
Daryl Holtz Isenberg Ph.D. Self-Help Department Editor President,
Illinois
Self-Help Coalition
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