SelfhelpMagazine Newsletter (TM)
Vol. 9 No. 2 February 2, 2003
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T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S
1. Feature Article # 1:
"100 Ways To Love Your Mate"
by Connie Saindon, MA
2. Feature Article # 2:
"Good Sex is Good For You!"
by Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
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3. Feature Booklet # 1:
"Cyber-Dating Cyber-Safety On The Freeway Of
Love"
by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.*
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SHM FEATURE ARTICLE # 1:
"100 Ways To Love Your Mate"
by Connie Saindon, MA
This list is designed to be a quick check for
you to review. Use it to give you ideas to
maintain your relationship, to give it a
positive boost or to select a holiday gift. Some
couples have also used it as a request list.
They have circled what they would like to have
and asked their partner to do the same. Feel
free to add to the list and use it again and
again. Enjoy!
1. Hug them.
2. Write a love note.
3. Call them at work just to say "Hi."
4. Give them a foot massage.
5. Tell them a joke.
6. Caress them with slow gentle strokes.
7. Go for a walk with them.
8. Send them a "happy gram."
9. Admit your mistakes.
10. Say: "I love you."
11. Indulge a whim.
12. Listen to them talk about an interest of
theirs.
13. Be trustworthy.
14. Instead of complaining, tell them what you
would prefer.
15. Look at them when you're in a discussion.
16. Send flowers.
17. Compliment something they did.
18. Offer to help.
19. Ask them to show you how to do something.
20. Call when you are going to be late.
21. Take them out to dinner.
22. Write them a poem about how special they are.
23. Cut out a cartoon they'll enjoy.
24. Ask them what they'd like sexually.
25. Go shopping together.
26. Take an afternoon drive.
27. Cuddle.
28. Put your arm around them in front of others.
29. Take them out on a surprise date.
30. Do something they want to do.
31. Listen.
32. Plan a candle light dinner.
33. Look at old photos together.
34. Serve them breakfast in bed.
35. Hold hands.
36. Share sexual fantasies.
37. Do a work project together.
38. Rub their back.
39. Take a shower together.
40. Carry their photo in your wallet.
41. Go away together for a weekend holiday.
42. Kiss them.
43. Smile more when you look at them.
44. Go for a bicycle ride together.
45. Surprise them with "special" attire.
46. Plan a picnic lunch.
47. Read something together about how to have a
better relationship.
48. Repeat what they say before answering.
49. Say "Good morning" first.
50. Ask if they have a few minutes first before
interrupting.
51. Send them a card.
52. Surprise them with a gift when it's a
non-holiday.
53. Cook them a favorite meal.
54. Try a new restaurant.
55. Ask them how they feel.
56. Let them know when you are proud of them.
57. Ask for their opinion.
58. Turn on some romantic music.
59. Dedicate a song to them.
60. Send them a balloon bouquet.
61. Watch a sunset together.
62. Play a game together.
63. Have them teach you something they know.
64. Tell them they have the night off.
65. Go to a movie they select.
66. Ask them for a hug.
67. Wear some new cologne.
68. Take them to Bali.
69. Discuss future plans with them.
70. Ask if you can help when they look sad.
71. Ask them about their dreams.
72. Meet them for lunch.
73. Enlarge a scenic photo of a place you've
shared.
74. Give them a gift certificate for their
favorite store.
75. Tell them what you like about them.
76. Buy them a new perfume.
77. Take them to a scenic spot.
78. Send them a gourmet gift basket.
79. Send them a joke card.
80. Let them know when you've thought of them
during the day.
81. Buy them a toy.
82. Compliment them to their friends.
83. Bring them a thirst quenching drink.
84. Tell them when they look attractive.
85. Send them a post card.
86. Invite them to a secret rendezvous.
87. Give them a massage.
88. Take a lesson with them.
89. Look at photos together of when you met.
90. Plan a vacation with them.
91. Listen openly to their opposing opinion.
92. Buy them a new piece of jewelry.
93. Watch a TV show they like with them
94. Write them a letter.
95. Listen to music with them, such as an old
favorite.
96. Whisper sweet nothings in their ear.
97. Tell them what you like that they do.
98. Give a head massage.
99. Invite them to a concert.
100. Let them know you care.
Connie Saindon, M.A., MFT, CTS is a licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified
Trauma Specialist. She serves on the board of the
local chapter of the Association for Traumatic
Stress Specialists and is a Continuing Education
provider. She is a volunteer with the San Diego
Police Departments' Crisis Intervention Team and
their Sexual Assault Prevention Program. She is a
trained Disaster Mental Health Responder with the
Red Cross and is Certified to conduct
Debriefings. She has been appointed chair of the
Community Response Committee for the California
Division of the American Association for Marriage
and Family Therapists. To contact her for
services and consultation, She can be reached at
7850 Mission Center Court, Suite 208, San Diego,
CA 92108. Her phone number is (619)295-8595.
What do you think?
To find more articles by this author, run a search on her last
name on this: http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/search.html
Want to comment? Express Yourself!
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SHM FEATURE ARTICLE # 2:
"Good Sex is Good For You!"
by Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
"Life without love is like a coconut in which
the milk is dried up." Henry David Thoreau
"Good sex....Improves our health and may even
contribute to our longevity."
Scientific evidence is accumulating support what
many of us have suspected all along: good sex
not only adds great enjoyment to our lives, but
it also actually improves our health and may
even contribute to our longevity.
In a new book called Sexual Healing, Dr. Paul
Pearsall, Director of Behavioral Medicine at
Detroit's Beaumont Hospital, writes that the
joys and pleasures of living life and loving may
provide us with something called an "intimacy
inoculation" that actually protects us from
disease.
Dr. Pearsall, who cites numerous other
researchers, concludes, "Growing numbers of
physicians now recognize that the health of the
human heart depends not only on such factors as
genetics, diet, and exercise, but also -- to a
large extent -- on the social and emotional
health of the individual."
Sexual healing is achieved primarily through the
daily challenge of maintaining a close, intimate
relationship which, when accomplished, leads to
balance between our health and healing systems.
Can lack of sexual intimacy create a risk factor
for certain diseases? Dr. Pearsall cites
research and his own clinical experience
indicating that sexual dissatisfaction seems to
be prevalent prior to a heart attack in a high
percentage of persons. Conversely, sexual
contentment appears related to less severe
migraine headaches, fewer and less-severe
symptoms of premenstrual syndrome for women, and
a reduction in symptoms related to chronic
arthritis for both genders.
Although the exact biological mechanisms are not
yet identified, many researchers are
investigating how our thoughts, feelings, brain,
immune system and sexual/genital system
interact, influence each other, and affect our
health. There may be an actual biological drive
toward closeness, intimacy, and being connected
to other human beings.
When we experience intimate, mutually caring
sexual intimacy, we may experience a measurable
change in neurochemicals and hormones that pour
through the body and help promote health and
healing.
"Hormones that pour through the body help
promote health and healing."
Does this mean that to live longer or be more
healthy we just need to DO IT more often or
better? Of course not! Sex is a much broader
concept that genital connecting or having an
orgasm. Psychologist and author Gina Ogden,
Ph.D. notes in her book, Women Who Love Sex,
that sex has everything to do with openness,
connection to and bonding with a partner,
feelings about what is happening to us, and
memories. For those who love it, sex permeates
their lives and is not merely a specialized,
time-intensive, physical activity that takes
place under the covers -- as quickly as possible.
As a result of interviewing many women, Dr.
Ogden learned that sexual desire, or lust, was
produced by much more than physical stimulation.
For women, according to Dr.Ogden, it has more to
do with feelings of connectedness in their
relationships: "Heart to heart, soul to soul,
even mind to mind."
"For women, it has to do with feelings of
connectedness in their relationships."
When discussing sexual connecting, Dr. Ogden's
interviewees spoke of a FLOWING CONTINUUM OF
PLEASURE, ORGASM, AND ECSTASY, rather than a
one-time experience. They also described peak
sexual experiences as coming from stimulation
all over their bodies -- not just from their
genitals -- including fingers, toes, hips, lips,
neck, and earlobes.
Obviously, arousal and satisfaction evolve not
only from receiving sexual energy, but also from
the joy of stimulating one's partner. Sex, then,
is a commitment of give and take.
Finally, the women Dr. Ogden studied have their
own concepts of safe sex, essential to
experiencing sexual pleasure and ecstasy. This
kind of safe sex does NOT relate to preventing
STDs or pregnancy; it relates, instead, to
emotional and spiritual safety. Such safety is
CRUCIAL for sexual closeness. Most of the women
insisted that warm, loving connections with
themselves and with their partners were
essential to and inseparable from the experience
of sexual ecstasy.
When people feel deeply close while merely
holding hands, they are having sex. When people
display caring for each other through hugs,
caresses, and kissing, they are also having sex.
When connecting people in a crowded room wink at
each other in their own secret way, they are
communicating sex to each other; such
non-contact sex can be excitedly arousing and
emotionally fulfilling. And, of course, during
sexual union when the sky seems to open so a
lightning bolt can strike the couple -- while
fireworks ignite and the earth stops spinning--
this is sex, too.
But wait. Do men also need this almost spiritual
connection to enjoy sex and achieve good health?
Well, yes and no. Men need sex and men need
emotional connection, but many men don't
necessarily need to put the two together!
According to Dr. Bernie Zilbergelt, who wrote
The New Male Sexuality, sex for women is
intertwined with personal connection. For some
men , sex is unto itself -- an act to be engaged
in with or without love, with or without
commitment, with or without connection.
Presently, younger boys are being socialized in
a more enlightened manner; consequently, male
attitudes toward sexual union are changing.
But,unfortunately, the socialization of many men
born in or before the 60's provided very little
information of value to the formation and
maintenance of intimate relationships. These men
were taught, as youths, that males showed love
by doing, not by talking or "connecting" with
girls.
"Fortunately, anyone can...restore closeness,
intimacy, and sexual flow."
Older men were usually also socialized to be
strong and self-reliant, which usually means one
doesn't easily talk about or admit personal
problems. Many such men do not acknowledge
worries and fears to their partners; they simply
try to handle everything on their own.
A consequence of such reticence is (1) lack of
intimacy in the relationship, with the wife
feeling "left out" of her husband's life; and
(2) men often don't get what they need because
they don't know how to ask for it, so they feel
distanced and frustrated when they really want
closeness and intimacy as much as their partner
does.
Sex under these conditions creates distance in
the relationship or creates sexual dysfunction
which drives an even deeper wedge into the
relationship. This is especially true if a man
is married to a woman must be wanted by her
husband to have her sexuality validated.
Consequently, sex routinely becomes mechanical,
unfeeling, and unfulfilling. Fortunately, anyone
can break this vicious cycle and restore
closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow in the
relationship.
Author Anthony Fiore, Ph.D., is in private
practice, teaches sex therapy, and owns
September Products, a multimedia resource center
to enhance relationships and improve sexuality.
1450 N. Tustin Ave., Suite 200, Santa Ana, Ca.,
92701. Voice: 714-771-0378.
Want to comment on this article? Express Yourself!
To find more articles by this author, run a search on his
last name from this page:
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SHM FEATURE Booklet # 1:
"Cyber-Dating Cyber-Safety On The Freeway Of Love"
by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.*
Part 1 Introduction to the Booklet
What can I do? My virtual lover told me to buzz
off, won't answer my mail, and has put my sexual
fantasies online for the world to see. HELP!!
I really want to meet my virtual lover in real
life. We're planning a meeting in Aspen in a
month. How do I know he's not an axe-murderer?
My friends tell me I'm crazy, but I've just got
to do it.
In the comfort of your home, door locked and
phone within reach, it may seem safe to meet
someone from the other side of the planet in a
dating chat room. Other people decide to leave
the relative safety of dating websites and
communicate in email with their newfound loves.
Yet others give their telephone numbers for the
heightened pleasure of hearing their lover's
voice, breaths, and sighs. Each of these steps
is movement away from anonymity, and as we
shall demonstrate in this article, movement
toward higher risk. We, therefore, do not
advocate your use or non-use of any of these
technologies, but rather want to help you
understand how to keep yourself safe.
Part 2 Is Virtual Romance for You?
Virtual romance is a general or generic term,
like cyber-relationships. It is what the person
wants it to be. Some people will consider
virtual romance to be an online relationship;
some will want it to be a cyber-sexual
relationship, and some will want it to develop
into an offline relationship.
We will emphasize some of the disappointments
and heartaches that can be experienced in cyber-
relationships, and if you choose to pursue such
a romance, we will point out some of the ways in
which you can protect yourself and your loved
ones.
Our SelfhelpMagazine respondents helped us
understand some of the pitfalls of virtual
romance.
Beth said, "Virtual romance can be dangerous if
not in moderation. I do not recommend virtual
romance to those with previous emotional
problems. My sister battles with depression
since she was a teenager. She got caught in an
affair that ripped her heart out and dropped her
into another depression. She's been in therapy
ever since."
Harry observed, "When reality sets in, you could
be alone. If you let yourself get too involved,
the person might not be around when you need to
talk."
Of course, there are many successful
relationships that start online.
Ricky tells us, "I met my best friend, and
eventually my lover online. At first we just
talked, but soon I found myself falling in love.
I never had any intention of meeting anyone
offline when I joined the chat, but I guess love
is unpredictable."
Many people separate their online world from
their offline world. Like Ricky, some people
never have the intention to carry their
relationships into the physical world. Dangers
may still lurk though, both emotionally and
physically. The next few sections will deal with
keeping you safe in the virtual world.
Part 3 Face-to-Face Meetings Are Not for Everyone
Some people may prefer to live in the fantasy of
the Internet. For them, virtual romance and
relationships are enough. While this group of
people has not been studied by researchers in
any specific detail, early reports are that
exclusively Internet-based relationships can be
whatever people make of them. The Internet is a
tool, and people make either good or bad choices
with it. Society may have reason to fear the
"underside" of the Internet, but it also has
reason to celebrate the increased safety
afforded for personal exploration.
Making mistakes is part of any exploration.
Whatever degree of contact with other people you
seek on the Internet, keep a journal for
yourself-keep track of what you are doing and
why. Like any good explorer, you may need to
retrace your steps if you get lost. The next
section deals with some common mistakes that can
be avoided on a personal level.
Read other parts of this booklet...
Part 4 Protecting Yourself
Part 5 Anonymity in Cyber Space
Part 6 Virtual Harassment
Part 7 Cyber-Safety
Part 8 Safety Tips for Online Relationships
Part 9 Before You Press Send
Part 10 The Face to Face Meeting
Part 11 Safety Tips for Face-to-Face Meetings
To find more articles by this author, run a search on her
last name from this page:
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SelfhelpMagazine.com Disclaimer
------------------------------------------------
This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological advice.
It is not intended for you to use in making life-altering
decisions related to medical treatment, psychotherapy, or
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you and your physician, psychotherapist, or other appropriate
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Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
http://selfhelpmagazine.com/about/staff/drm.html
SelfhelpMagazine.com, Editor-In-Chief
Teresa Raymond
http://selfhelpmagazine.com/about/staff/teresa.html
SelfhelpMagazine.com, Assistant Editor
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Copyright 1994-2003 by Pioneer Development Resources, Inc.
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